Sunday, May 20, 2007

Yup, these are the athletes I adore. Also: my favorite NFL arrest of all time.

For those of you living under a rock for the past few months (or those of you who *gasp* don't keep up on NFL news), NFL player Pacman Jones was recently suspended an unheralded 12 months by the NFL for getting arrested for various offenses in the past two years, including a few months ago during the NBA all-star weekend in Las Vegas where he allegedly started a fight at strip club (which resulted in a bouncer getting paralyzed).

The reason the fight started? You see, Pacman had brought $81,000 in cash to the strip club in order to shower it down on the strippers, in what is known in the rap world as 'making it rain'. What the strippers didn't know was that the dollar bills weren't for them! (Stupid strippers.) So Pacman goes crazy, his bodyguard shoots a bouncer, and a few months later he is subject to the largest suspension in NFL history.

Fast forward a few months again and Pacman and his lawyers are in NYC to appeal his the man who suspended him in the first place (the NFL commissioner). Good luck with that, Pacman.

Anyway, as part of his defense, Pacman's lawyers submitted an itemized list of every incident of an NFL player getting arrested in the past five years. Needless to say, the list is extremely long, with a huge percentage of the offenses being drunk driving and spousal abuse (way to go, NFL'ers).

Which brings us to the point of this post. Some of the arrests on this list were pretty funny, if I say so myself. Here are a few of my favorites:

Dhani Jones, Philadelphia Eagles

Charged with failure to obey a lawful command - a misdemeanor - after he allegedly refused to stop dancing outside a South Beach club.

Um, what? It's a misdemeanor to refuse to stop dancing in South Beach? I better keep that in mind when I go to Miami.

Dwight Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Arrested and charged with pulling a pellet gun on two fans who approached his car while he waited in line at a McDonald's window.

I don't know what's funnier, that an NFL player was sitting in a drive-thru at a McDonald's, that two fans decided this was a good time to annoy him with an autograph request, or that Smith carries a pellet gun around in his car.

David Boston, Miami Dolphins

Arrested, charged with simple assault for allegedly striking a gate agent when the attendant would not allow Boston to board a late-night flight at Vermont airport

That's a great solution David, a flight attendant won't let you on the flight so you punch him or her. Also, what are you doing Vermont? You're a millionaire. You should be skiing in the Alps. And if you were in Vermont and you weren't skiing, what on earth were you doing in Vermont!?!?!

Brock Marion, Detroit Lions

Charged with theft and filing a fraudulent vehicle insurance claim in Plantation, Fla

Wait, what? You're a millionare? What did you steal? A car? And insurance fraud? Really? You make millions but you're comitting fraud? I certianly hope it would have netted you more than the millions you get paid to play football.

Kenyatta Jones, New England Patriots

Arrested for allegedly assaulting his roommate with scalding water

Scalding water?! What is this, the dark ages!? Did you pour boiling oil on him after he tried to cross your moat too!? And why do you have a roommate?!?! You make millions. Maybe it's time to move out of that $1200/month 2 bedroom apt, eh Kenyatta?

Darren Hambrick, Cleveland Browns

Arrested in Tampa, Fla on a felony grand-theft charge that he stole a check for $5,682.51 from the Panthers

You stole a check from an NFL team!? Was it even made out to you? What were you thinking? Did you try and cash it at a check cashing place and then make a run for Mexico? With $5000!?

Najeh Davenport, Green Bay Packers

Arrested in Florida after a woman told police he had broke into her university dormitory room and defecated in a closet.

No comment necessary. this is by far my all-time favorite NFL arrest and it is truly the standard by which all other arrests are judged. It is the reason we all call him Deuce Davenport.

Bill Romanowski, Denver Broncos

Indicted on four felony charges of fraudulently obtaining prescription diet drugs.

Oh Bill. You roid-raging, teammate-fighting, career-ending thug. Diet pills!? Your wife told you looked fat didn't she?

For more on Pacman, or to download the list of NFL arrests over the past five years, see this blog post on Deadspin.



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